a runaway letter
The last time I lit up a cigarette, you looked at me and said, “Baby, you’re killing yourself.” And maybe I am, but I never told you that I only smoke when I’m nervous, and I’ve gone through a pack a day since the night I met you. Two packs if I’m drinking that expensive aged whiskey you keep on a shelf, and I’ve never apologized for swallowing half the bottle, never apologized for passing out in your bed, never apologized for when I laid on your chest but refused to hold your hand in the mornings. And I still don’t know if I could, because my heart is like the tide. It comes and goes with the moon. Everyone I’ve ever kissed has been a stranger and I know they don’t remember the color of my eyes, so I avoid sentiment. It always leads to attachment, to flowers sprouting in my chest, wrapping around my ribcage, strangling my lungs until each breath is labored. And I know you’re broken too, just a boy with shaking fingers and a mouth full of stars who sucked a thousand tiny universes from my neck. But they say arsenic tastes sweet, and dear, you’re like honey to me. So fuck, I can’t stay, because my closest friend has always been the devil dancing on my shoulder, calling me out onto the open road. I’ve been running from my demons for a long, long time and I wish I could say you were the exception, that you planted me firmly into the ground and let my roots take hold, but my head has always been in the clouds, and my arms have always been reaching out in front of me. And no, I don’t know exactly where I’m going and no, I won’t call you and yes, if I could leave myself behind, too, I would, because my body feels too much and my heart aches for something I’m not even sure exists. But please, don’t think I never cared. I offered up every hollow space I had for you to climb into, but my skeleton is fragile; it’s made of paper, and the bones that you chose to reside in have grown weary of carrying around all that extra weight.
Keep me pressed in the pages of your memory like dried flowers, or rant to your friends about this crazy fucking girl you used to know, or let me fade from your mind entirely, I don’t mind.
I’m just sorry you had to wake up alone.